Atalanta Pendragonne

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November 24th, 2013

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I wrote multiple paragraphs today. Short ones, but still. For me, it was a lot of progress.

Still a bit overwhelmed by the Doctor Who anniversary. It's meant so much to me for so long.

November 17th, 2013

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Well, I'm squeezing the words out painfully, a few sentences a day (literally, it's agonizing), but my Welcome to Night Vale fic is in progress. It's already very fluffy and will only get fluffier. The end of the most recent episode is certainly inspiration for fluff!

November 5th, 2013

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My therapist says I am making progress. I've been managing to force myself in on Monday morning all of October without absences. She says she can tell I'm working hard.

I feel worse than ever.

I've decided to try to make a comfort box. I already know I am going to put in some scented lotion, maybe candles and incense, my signed copy of ANANSI BOYS, maybe some soothing music on a thumbdrive, and some melon gummis from the Pan-Asian market. The point is to have things that will be grounding, comforting, and engage all the senses. I'm totally open to sugestions, coming up with ideas is not my strong suit lately.

One thing that I would like to put in the box is letters, messages of friendship and encouragement I can pick up and read when I'm in a really bad place. If it's a textured paper or a card with cute or inspiring art all the better. If you feel like writing me, just send a private message and I'll give you my address with gratitude.

I don't have a good way to end this, I'm pretty brainfoggy, but I hope good things are coming for all of you.

November 3rd, 2013

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Well, I had a deeply miserable October, but thanks to the weather, my electric bill is the lowest I've ever had.

November 1st, 2013

A day late!

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October 31st, 2013

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I really want to do something awesome for Halloween but I have nowhere to go, no way to get there, no one to go with, and nothing to wear.

October 30th, 2013

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Waiting for my caseworker to call.

Half-hoping he bails on me even though I need to ask him to take me to the Walgreens for med refills. I don't want to face people or leave the house. Although if he does bail I might find the spoons to go to 7-11 for sandwiches.

It's my mom's birthday. I sent her an e-card. I don't know if I should try calling her later. Ideally a voicemail message >.

October 29th, 2013

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“We all do foolish things when we are teenagers. We all have foolish false events that happen to us, foolish gaps in our memories. Not everything that has happened, has ever really happened.

Listeners, especially our younger listeners, consider this:

When we talk about teenagers, we adults often talk with an air of scorn, of expectation for disappointment. And this can make people who are presently teenagers feel very defensive.

But what everyone should understand is that none of us are talking to the teenagers that exist now, but talking back to the teenager we ourselves once were – all stupid mistakes and lack of fear, and bodies that hadn’t yet begun to slump into a lasting nothing.

Any teenager who exists now is incidental to the potent mix of nostalgia and shame with which we speak to our younger selves.

May we all remember what it was like to be so young. May we remember it factually, and not remember anything that is false, or incorrect.

May we all be human – beautiful, stupid, temporal, endless.

And as the sun sets, I place my hand upon my heart, feel that it is still beating, and remind myself: Past performance is not a predictor of future results.

Stay tuned now for whatever happens next in your life.”


Welcome to Night Vale

Episode 33 - Cassette




Passages like this are why this podcast is so meaningful to me. The choices I made as a teen ruined my life, and it wasn't until I was in my late 20s and spent some time with teenagers that I realized how young I'd really been. I wish I could have heard this long ago.


Also, Cecil/Carlos is charming and heartwarming and a source of very comforting fic.

October 27th, 2013

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October 17th, 2013

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The end of the shutdown should make me feel a lot more relieved but I suspect that was just one battle, the war is far from over.

I was having a lot of trouble forcing myself out of bed to even check my favorite blog (welcometodisabledvale on Tumblr, where I can read stories about Carlos having an anxiety disorder and other wonderful bits of representation). So I struggled and forced myself to change out the litterbox and go to 7-11. They didn't have any of the egg salad sandwiches I love but Coke was still on sale, they had that new Arizona Blueberry Creme Soda that is pretty good and inexpensive, and I got a loaf of bread so I can have toast with that lovely ginger marmalade from my Amazon birthday spree. Sadly no frozen waffles or I would have gotten them for the maple syrup from the same birthday spree. But I need to finish eating that pizza before it goes bad anyway, not just tempt myself with favorites.

October 16th, 2013

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Still can't manage to keep up with LJ.

Made it to the clinic three weeks in a row. This week my therapist was on vacation, she hadn't warned me but everyone else seemed to know. The guy who was there substituting for her asked me about happy memories from various ages. some were very hard to come up with.

My caseworker canceled on me again. I had him check when my paperwork needs to be renewed because I know that is coming up. Still got a little time.

Not much appetite. Got a pizza on Monday and it's not even half gone.

Haven't heard anything from HACA. So I don't know what's going on with my rent for November.

Mostly I'm sleeping.

Realizing the date hit me hard. Happy Birthday, Aunt Maddy.

I really, really want a drink.

October 13th, 2013

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October 10th, 2013

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Still don't have the spoons to keep up with LJ so ping me if I'm missing something.

I used part of the Amazon GCs I got for my birthday to get Blu-Rays of Yellow Submarine and Little Shop of Horrors. I saw Little Shop on stage a couple of years before the movie musical and tween!me was furious that they changed the ending, but of course I saw it anyway and had a copy of the VHS. I watched the director's cut last night and it destroyed me. I was a heartless little shit when I was a kid, clearly. And I wasn't prepared to be as triggered by the domestic violence, because I've been able to handle the movie in recent years.

And for some reason Yellow Submarine is distressing me too and I don't understand why.

October 7th, 2013

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So apparently LJ has started IP blocking people for posting slash now? Has anyone else heard about this?

October 5th, 2013

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October 3rd, 2013

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Really stressed out, I haven't had the spoons to keep up with my journal, so if anyone posted anything they'd like me to see link me?

Gonna try to get at least a little caught up.

September 30th, 2013

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So among other horrible things, the government shutdown means HUD will no longer be able to provide local housing authorities with vouchers. So if you live in government-subsidized housing, your status is very much up in the air.

That's me, I'm on Section 8.

I could be so fucked.

September 29th, 2013

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I did a good thing! I left the apartment and went to the ATM and the 7-11. And I got Coke and egg salad sandwiches and I didn't get cigarettes.

September 23rd, 2013

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Finally was able to struggle into the clinic.

They hung WHEATFIELD WITH CROWS back by the entrance.

If I miss another Monday before the end of October they'll refer me to another program.

I'm all out of can.
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