Atalanta Pendragonne

I'm eating lunch almost an hour early I AM AN ANARCHIST

Not much to say but I am trying to post more.

In one-on-one therapy on Monday my therp and I agreed that I would try to eat lunch at the same time every day, to start getting a little more routine going. I spaced it Tuesday, remembered Wednesday, and I have about an hour to go today.

Did a good thing this morning, went to the 7-11. Got some stuff to drink (they still have a sale on 2 2liters of Coke, and I got a 6-pack of that Jack Daniels brand cooler) and some cake balls. I'd meant to get some Kool Whip but I forgot.

Got kind of serious with my caseworker yesterday. Pointed out to him that my being so cooperative and understanding even though he's really flaky isn't because I don't need his help, it's because I am too anxious to make waves and scared to speak up for myself.

So that's life right now. The cats love playing with the laser pointer so I am trying to do that more.

Made it to therapy. Frustrated as hell with the privilege my counselor is steeped in.... she doesn't get that I live in a shitty neighborhood and going to a book club would be great but when that means taking the bus home after dark it's not terribly safe and I have to weigh the pluses and minuses carefully. Also made the mistake of introducing her to spoon theory and got the same rage-inducing remark I got from a former, really bad therp: "But I find I have more spoons when I use them!" Do they stamp it in their brains or something?

But I did two nice things at the clinic this morning, so I'm glad I went. I gave some tissue to a guy who started crying during group, and I remembered to bring a CD I'd burned for another regular. So I was able to be kind in small ways, which makes me feel a little better about myself.

Ordered cat food, cat litter, dishwasher detergent, instant mashed potatoes, linen spray and an e-book off of Amazon. So I've been productive.

Ahhhhhh allerigies! Gonna take some Benadryl and probably be passed out all weekend.

Bailed on clinic again. I can barely handle being alone by myself, I can't face spending the morning alone in a roomful of people.

So I wound up putting seven fics on my AO3 page. They're the ones I think held up the best: my longer HP genfics MEROPE HID HER FACE FOR SHAME and THE BUTTERFLY ROAD, the Lucius/Regulus and Barty Crouch Jr./Quirrell fics, the Death Note: Another Note B/A rapefic, the silly crossover between Black Books and JtHM, and the Simm!Master/Lucy first date fic. Hoping for kudos/comments of course, hoping it might poke at my writer's block a bit.

Allergies are bad right now. I'm sneezing and blowing my nose all the time and my nose is really raw and irritated. It's kind of chilly right now which makes me sneeze more. Suck.

Waiting to hear from my caseworker. He said he would be "fitting me in around two or earlier if he could" and that he'd call. I really need groceries and I want to ask him about some of the things he mentioned vaguely about my case being handled differently in the future. It's going to be really hard dealing with him because I need to stand up and advocate for myself but the dude's mom just died which makes me feel like I need to be patient and accepting, which would probably be ok if he didn't tend to be flaky anyway. I don't even know how much is him being flaky and how much is MHMR (will I ever start thinking of them as Integral Care?) being bureacratic and impossible.

There's a rapist on the prowl in my neighborhood. It came up on austinblotter again. He attacks women with children, in laundry rooms and parking lots. The blotter blurbs didn't really make it clear if he only goes after women burdened with small children (what a sickening MO) or if it's just opportunism. And there is nothing I can do, what is there that I can do? I was looking at pepper spray on Amazon but it seems kind of pointless. At least I have a washer/dryer in my apartment.

Does anyone know any good class privilege blogs, especially on Tumblr? I'd start one but I don't have the spoons right now.

I'm trying to post more, and hoping that gets people to comment more, because I keep drifting, keep feeling more and more isolated, and I am trying to at least not completely go down without a fight.

Caseworker bailed on me again. Says he'll try to fit me in tomorrow. This was meant to be a trip to the grocery story so really not cool.

Yesterday was warm and so nice I actually went swimming but a cold front hit and now I am wearing my footie pajamas again.

Got an AO3 account. Still figuring out which stories to bother porting over. None of the Stolen Time stuff, nothing I co-wrote, probably little if any of the Harry Potter smut. So far I've transferred the A/B non-con, the silly Black Books-JtHM crossover, the Harry Saxon/Lucy D/s ficlet, and MEROPE HID HER FACE FOR SHAME. I'll probably port over THE BUTTERFLY ROAD (my Peter Pettigrew fic) and possibly the Lucius/Regulus fic but I just don't think the rest is worth it. TBH it's hard to feel that any of it is worth it but I'm trying.

Trying to post more often, because when I don't post to my journal it's not like I'm doing something else instead. It's just lots and lots of me just not. Because that is what my life is. A fuckload of empty.

Things I have accomplished today:

Made instant mashed potatoes for breakfast
Took out trash (twice)
Made 2 pitchers of iced tea (one plain tea, one white peach)
Cooked a frozen meat pie for an late lunch/early dinner
Emptied the dishwasher
Pondered food delivery for tomorrow's Who watching (I have a coupon)
Cried because 19 April

Oh and I read in the sun a little too.

A lot, for me.

Not cool: my caseworker standing me up two weeks in a row.

My street showing up on WTFIWWY was cool.

My block showing up on the police blotter feed was not.

More scared than ever to leave the house.

Once again bailed on therapy because I couldn't handle being around so many people.

Ok, I am tired.

Forced myself to go to the clinic yesterday morning. My counselor complimented me for getting in conversations with the other clients but I felt like a fake. Oh well. Last night I played Cards Against Humanity with some of the folks from Radio Dead Air chat and had a blast. I even won a round!

Today was psychiatrist day. As usual I went super early; even stopping at Dollar General (got a t-shirt and some instant mashed potatoes) and the liquor store (ROMPOPE FUCK YEAH) I was three hours early, but I was lucky and got seen two hours early! Which would have been more helpful if the doctor hadn't said "I don't know how to help you, keep going to therapy". So I am off the lithium and just on Haldol and Valium PRN.

But getting seen early meant getting out early meant I went to Amillion Tattoos and Piercing to get the ink I've been craving! (after a stop at Arby's for a protein-rich lunch and a nice chat with the counter girl) I showed the artist, Jorge, the pages in Hothead Paisan with the lamp and described what I wanted, he quoted me a reasonable price, and went to draw it up. It was just what I wanted! So I filled out the paperwork and we got down to business. It hurt, but not dreadfully, and right now it isn't even a little sore.

My new ink, forgive the crappy selfie -



And after that, I went to Walgreens to pick up my meds and some lotion for the healing tattoo. So I have been busy busy and right now I am making matzoh ball soup because I may be tired but I want noms!

Good things I did today -

Went to therapy
Ran the dishwasher
Contacted an eBay seller about a not-as-described item


Tomorrow I need to -

Go to the psychiatrist
Go to the pharmacy if it isn't raining


As soon as I have a free day when the weather is clement I need to -

Go to a tattoo shop and get a tattoo of the lamp from HOTHEAD PAISAN on my left shoulderblade


If I had someone to drive me I'd have done that last one already, I really need to feel that tattoo needle buzz.

Couldn't sleep properly last night, woke up with a headache. Bailed on counseling this morning because groggy and headache. Bleah.

I was practically a real adult today! I paid the rent, went to 7-11 and got some sodas and an egg salad sandwich (last one, score!), did a little laundry, and ran the dishwasher. I have some fun stuff coming in the mail, too! This month's LE from ZOMGSmells, some of my favorite teas from The Tea Table, some peach white tea from Amazon for iced tea, and some TARDIS earrings from Etsy. I've been pretty strict with myself lately because medical bills so this will be a nice bit of cheer. And tomorrow my caseworker is supposed to be taking me to the grocery store so I can get more foods!

After a span of warm, sunny days, I got woken in the wee hours by a violent hailstorm. It's melted away now (I swear they were the size of macadamia nuts) but it is grey and damp and Hecate looked at me in disgust when she realized the patio was wet and not sunny.

The matzoh ball mix I ordered off Amazon is supposed to come today and I have eggs and oil so comfort food is coming. And the cats have a big box to play in from when I got toilet paper delivered last week. Anya has been scampering in it :)

Gotta deal with the caseworker today. There is paperwork to be kept up to date. Ugh.

Canceled my therapy this AM because I'm having a nasty panic attack. Is that actually ironic or Alanis ironic?

I just found out that Shannon Larratt, founder of BME, has passed away. There's a link in there to his final blog entry and it is gutting. BME was a huge influence on me when I was in my mid-20s and started getting into piercings and tattoos, and I sent in quite a few experience reports and procedural pics over the years. I drifted away over the years and only heard a little of the upheavals at BME but this really smarts.