Atalanta Pendragonne

Spending last night texting back and forth with my kid brother was amazing. He seems like a smart guy, a good guy. Well worth getting to know. My dad agreed so readily to watch the Nine-era ep Father's Day when I asked that I almost cried, the contrast couldn't be more glaring with the haughty sneer I got from my mom when I told her that I saw a lot of similarities between Joyce and Buffy and the relationship we had in my teens. I also found a good price on a copy of The Long Ships, which my stepmother and brother both recommended, so I'll be reading that soon.

Still kind of nervous about it all and overwhelmed, but it's going well. I don't really understand how I had the nerve to do it and I wish I had someone to talk it through with more, but... I did something really big. And I'm kind of amazed.

Much shallower, but I finally got Odoru Akachan Ningen as my ringtone. It's not just dramatic, it's fucking dramatic!

So many feelings, I am overloaded... and sibling relationships being an issue on Mark Watches and Mark Reads...


HEADASPLODING

I have a kid brother to be proud of.

Lime Cucumber Gatorade is one of the best things there is. Seriously, it has Potent Salubrious Properties.

Still clawing out of this exaggerated FEELS MELTDOWN. I'm actually really proud of myself, though. I've been trying to be proactive about improving my support system. Today was... well. I'm still not sleeping well, so I left the house to hit up Walgreens as soon as the pharmacy opened. I wound up with a long wait for the bus, having a conversation with a homeless guy. It was depressing and frustrating, the 'system' is so goddamned broken.

And of course there was the Attack of the Mommy Issues, which I won't bother going into too much detail about but I will say it was a hell of a time for me to have read Alison Bechdel's Are You My Mother?, which was one of the most emotionally exhausting things I've ever read and I found all the stuff about psychoanalysis really interesting.

Happy Mother's Day to all the great moms on my flist; I hope your families are giving you a day of well-deserved pampering!


And to those of you who, like me, have less than Hallmark-worthy relationships with your moms, my most especial love and support.

What I did was send a (probably rather disjointed and extremely awkward, very difficult to write) email to my father, cautiously reaching out and telling him that I'd like to try and be closer, and that I'd like to try and connect with my stepmother and half-brother as well if that was amenable. Since I'd made a similar approach to my mom when she visited and was rebuffed (although I'm sure she'd deny it), it was pretty damned scary.

We now have plans to rewatch and discuss I, CLAUDIUS in the near future, he might pop in to the readthrough of The Stand, and my stepmother and I have begun discussing books; we both like Neil Gaiman, and that's a place to start.

Just did something that might have been very stupid or life-alteringly good.

i feel so bad right now

can't stop crying

really, really shouldn't be trying to read Alison Bechdel's Are You My Mother? right now

not sure if i should take my meds since i keep puking

and all sorts of miseries are being stirred up, stuff from months ago, stuff from decades ago

I have a brand new laptop, an early birthday present from my dad. It's not top of the line or the latest model, but it's brand new and not a bare-bones model either. I've been setting it up with all the things I need for my internetting. I named it Xoanon.

But I don't feel good. I don't feel good physically; too much caffeine and too little sleep the past few days have me feeling dreadful and throwing up. I don't feel good emotionally; I stumbled onto something triggering unexpectedly and it had a real domino effect and I have a headache from crying. And I need to get my med refills.

Fuck, I think I'm gonna spew again...

National Theatre Live - Frankenstein
06/06/2012 - 06/07/2012

Frankenstein by Nick Dear
Wednesday, June 6, 2012 & Thursday, June 7, 2012 (7:00 PM local time)
Expected Running Time: 2 hours

NT Live provides a unique opportunity for viewers to see live productions from the stages of London's National Theatre to cinema screens around the world. Don't miss the last performance of the National Theatre season, as Frankenstein comes to life in a thrilling new play based on the gothic novel by Mary Shelley. National Theatre Live - Frankenstein will be shown on Wednesday, June 6 and Thursday, June 7 in select movie theaters at 7:00 PM (local time).

Childlike in his innocence but grotesque in form, Frankenstein's bewildered creature is cast out into a hostile universe by his horror-struck maker. Meeting with cruelty wherever he goes, the friendless Creature, increasingly desperate and vengeful, determines to track down his creator and strike a terrifying deal. Urgent concerns of scientific responsibility, parental neglect, cognitive development and the nature of good and evil are embedded within this thrilling and disturbing classic gothic tale.

This visionary production, directed by Oscar-winner Danny Boyle, will shock audiences into the mysterious world of Frankenstein. Do not miss the thrilling twist of a classic tale as Benedict Cumberbatch and Jonny Lee Miller (who share the 2012 UK Olivier Award for Best Actor) reverse roles each night from the creator to the created.

This is seriously amazing and you should all see it.

So, my already-tetchy laptop gave out entirely in December and I'm finally getting to the point to start looking at repairing or replacing. The refurbished desktop emergency purchase actually has done really well by my so I was looking at refurbished laptops online. Most of them were still out of my range, but not impossibly so.

So anyhow. My father. Alcoholic, in long-term recovery, but my parent's marriage was when he was really bad, and I grew up not knowing him, apart from some nasty stories from my mom. We didn't start getting in touch until I was in my mid-teens, and I moved to Austin when I was 20, so we really just don't know each other well. But I do know that he knows more about tech than I do, so I asked him to keep out an eye for a cheap refurbished laptop, and I showed him links to some I was considering in hopes of advice.

"No arguments, I'm getting you a laptop for an early birthday present."

Nope, no arguments from me!

But... it feels strange.

Couldn't sleep, so I made a late-night run to 7-11 with thoughts of picking up sugar (I'm getting very low, since I've been making iced tea more often) and eggs.

They only had small things of sugar, and I couldn't find a carton of eggs that wasn't cracked. They were sold out of 2-liters of Coke, too (they're on sale).

What I did get was a cherry-and-cola Slurpee, some cheese to put in pastina, and a couple of donuts. I'll have to get sugar when I pick up my med refills later this week at Walgreens I guess.

Wondering and waiting, my back agaist the wall
Not a word that passed between us comes to recall
Just your shadow at the window as you pass on down the hall
You never wanted me and never knew me at all

I haven't any picture to set before my eyes
Nothing I can blame when the blues start to rise
Just the memory of laughter and a living out of lies
But if I could change my ways we would never have said goodbye

If you ever get the time, please think of me
It's a lock that can't be broken and there isn't any key
I'm only in your mind, only you can set me free
You can't hurt me anymore and it isn't hard to see

Someday, someone will leave you and I know you'll feel the same
But you'll mark it down to memory and a dream that never came
But there are no answers given when love is just a game
And you never wanted me and now I feel the same

I need more incense. It seems to be helping make the place feel right.

The title track from Jess Klein's new album! She also put up a link for a free download of her also-excellent album QUARTER FOR THE JUKEBOX here.

Had a surprise quarterly assesment with my caseworker (seriously, he called and asked if he could come over in an hour). It was all the same clinical gauge-checking. Presumably I didn't give the impression of being a risk to society, as I have not been carted off to the bin, but my service level hasn't changed either.

I really really need groceries. I really really don't want to leave the house. This is a problem.

I got a bra that fits! And it's in lilac! I want to get another in red but the cost of a bra that fits me is non-trivial.

Any of you thinking of reading/re-reading the Uncut version of Stephen King's THE STAND? We're gonna start a group readthrough here, starting in the middle of May.